My Little Wonders & My Small Hours

Lost...

2010-03-01T19:27:00.000-08:00

I thought I finally had my life figured out. I had the man, I had the education and I had the plan. Now I'm not so sure. My life is taking turns I wasn't expecting and I'm finding it hard to sit back and take it without screaming and fighting and demanding that all the changes stop. I've always thought of myself as a strong woman but today I'm questioning this part of me. I feel as though I might break and that's so terrifying. I know that I will make it through whatever is thrown my way and I know that I will come out on the other side happier and more fulfilled, but I have to say, I hate the journey.

Reluctance

2010-01-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

There are days when I still experience the loss of my Mom as though she died yesterday. There are days I wonder whether I did all I could have to help her find relief from her pain while she was here. I sometimes get stuck on the things that may have been disappointing to her rather than the things she was proud of. This is magnified when someone I love experiences a loss of their own. Unfortunately, within the last year several people I love have lost their own loved ones. I know there's nothing I can say that will matter. I know this because I was in their shoes. I don't even know what to say to myself to make me feel better, but one thing that brings me peace and comfort is poetry. This is one of my favorite.

Reluctance

Out through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch-hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question 'Whither?'

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?

~Robert Frost

First Quarter Blues

2009-12-08T18:20:00.001-08:00

So, my first quarter of graduate school is over. I've learned a lot of theory and techniques all while getting to know my fellow future therapists. All of this is good.

However, I did not expect the emotional toll this quarter would take on me. Apparently, the MAP program is intended to make it's participants learn how to work their issues and figure out just who they are. It requires a lot of self reflection, which is really pretty scary and overwhelming.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last ten weeks. Most of these things are private and won't be shared with anyone, but there is one thing that I would like to share. I can do this. I'm not in over my head. I am actually quite capable and competent. This is a huge thing for me considering I've always struggled with feeling like I would be good at something. I am so thankful for this insight into myself.

I'm excited to see what the rest of the journey has for me.

~A

Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

I'm just so thankful.

For life. For memories. For hopes. For dreams.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hello, I'm Amanda.

2009-11-19T12:59:00.000-08:00

My name is Amanda. It’s not Amber or Amy or any other variety of names starting with A-m. When someone introduces themselves to me I make every effort to remember their name. It might require me repeating their name over and over to myself until I have it down. It may require me associating them with someone I know with the same name. Regardless of the method I use to remember, I remember.

I find it incredibly discouraging when I’ve told someone my name several times and they still can’t be bothered to remember it. After being called Amber or Amy and then going through the uncomfortable process of saying “I’m sorry, but my name is Amanda” it makes the whole thing even more uncomfortable when the person responds “Oh, yeah, that’s what I meant.” Well, if that’s indeed what you meant, why didn’t you say it correctly? This response only makes the situation even more uncomfortable. This has happened to me three times this week, once with a student from one of my classes and twice with two separate professors who teach two of my classes.

I think remembering someone’s name is the least you can do to show your interest in them. When someone calls me something other than my name or doesn’t even know what to call me, it definitely makes me feel as though I’m not important as a person. In all honestly, this very well maybe something in me that I need to work on and learn not to take so personally. I can see that. But, I assure you that I will continue to make every effort to remember people’s names in keeping with treating them like the special and unique person they are.

I Can't Take Away Your Pain

2009-11-16T12:14:00.000-08:00

I know the pain of loss.
I know what it's like to wake up everyday and long for someone you love.
I know what it's like to wonder if you said and did everything you needed to say and do for that person.
I know what it's like to be surrounded by well-wishers and then abandoned when they've moved on and you haven't.
I know what it feels like to want to hide in a dark room and never come out because you can't bear the thought of living without the person you love.
I know what it's like to wish it were you instead.
I know what it's like to think that the pain will never go away.
I know what it's like to hurt every time you're reminded of the person you love.

I know you hurt. I know you feel it will never get better. I was there.

I would give my life to take away your pain, but I can't.

I love you, J.

~A

Born To Worry

2009-11-13T04:39:00.000-08:00

All things work together for His good, right??

Well, someone needs to tell my brain that. And maybe my heart too.

~A

Unexpected Emotions

2009-11-11T23:23:00.001-08:00

Another class, another emotion.

Tonight was kind of ugly and uncomfortable. The topic was race and there was a lot of emphasis on white privilege and the lack of acknowledgment on the part of "my people." I've been in many a class where race was discussed and I assure you it never gets any easier. I was uncomfortable, anxious and highly emotional.

But, here's a thought to ponder: "Any person who triggers you has the potential to teach you something." The more I think about this the more I realize it's true. What a valuable lesson I can take into a therapy room and use to remind myself that people are people, despite the vile, disgusting and sometimes ugly things they do. (This comes from the idea that some people may find it challenging or repulsive to treat an individual who has committed crimes against children.) Each person I encounter has the potential to not only leave with me a part of themselves, but also to help me learn something new about myself.

Different

2009-10-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

In class tonight we did a simple exercise about the first moment in our lives that we realized we were different from other people. I was shocked to find that a moment that I had probably not given more than a single thought over these years still carried so much pain for me.

I'm guessing the professor's intention was to stir up emotion at being judged "different" because we were exploring what it's like to be different because of disability. She was 100% successful.

How incredibly uncomfortable....but that's therapy, right? The intense, uncomfortable and ugly is often what leads to real and dramatic change. I thought I had pretty thick skin, but I guess that's something I need to work on in myself. I'll add that to the list...

Trying to Keep Up

2009-10-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm horrible at this, I really really am, but I feel like this could be a very cathartic thing while on this journey I'm on. So, with that...I'm going to do my very best to keep this thing up.

Grad school is supposed to be an experience of personal growth and even self-actualization and what better way to track that change than to see it in my own words over time. It has to start somewhere, right? Why not today?

~A

I Don't Want To Be Crunchy...

2009-02-24T22:51:00.000-08:00

So, in an effort to remain "crunch" free, I am thankful for:

1. A family who loves me in spite of my faults.
2. The opporunity to pursue my passion in Social Work.
3. A man who accepts me, "uglies" and all.
4. Caramel iced coffee to keep me on my toes
5. The freedom to make decisions about my life

Don't be upset if you don't get the "crunchy" references...it's totally a SW thing.

Passing It On

2009-02-19T22:07:00.000-08:00

2.19.2009

Broken people see broken pieces.

Ponder that.

Recall!! Recall!! Recall!!

2009-02-19T15:26:00.000-08:00

2.19.2009

http://www.tmz.com/2009/02/18/stallone-schwarzenegger-expendable/

So, he can't be loyal to his "people" but he can run off for a month, in spite of our state's financial crisis, and make a movie??!!! The man who promised he would never raise taxes, is in the process of signing a 14 billion dollar "revenue", or TAX for those of use who don't speak politician, increase. Did we actually think this man would make a good Governor or were we just excited that "The Terminator" was going to be our leader? Give me a break.

No More Loooong Flights Home

2009-02-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

2.18.2009

My wonderful and beloved Aunt called me with great news today (of course, it was her way of telling me it's time to come home!) United Airlines is reinstating their direct flights between Los Angeles and Tulsa effective June 4, 2009. Yay!! I hate hate hate to fly. Not because I'm afraid or anything of that nature, but because it literally takes an entire day to get from Los Angeles to Tulsa, with layovers and the changing of planes. Now, I can hop on a plane at 10:50pm my time and be in Tulsa by 4:30pm their time. That's 4 and 1/2 hours, people. THANK YOU UNITED...you will be my airline of choice each and every time I make the trip home to see my lovely family.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4182/is_20080206/ai_n21226656

Change is coming....

2009-02-18T05:26:00.000-08:00

2.18.2009

My life at this moment is on the fast track to different. In the next 6 months I will graduate from college, move to Los Angeles, travel to South Korea, start a new job/internship, start language school, take the graduate school entrance exam and apply to graduate school. Anyone who knows me knows change is difficult for me...this should be an interesting year, right?

I've Been Tagged...

2008-12-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? I don't like either, but I love hot spiced apple cider.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Wrap, of course. That's my favorite part.

3. Colored light on house/tree or white? White lights on outside, colored lights on the tree. (Colored are Frank's choice, I prefer all white).

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No

5. When do you put your decorations up? Around Thanksgiving, but we buy our tree about two weeks before Christmas so it stays fresh.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Sweet potatoes w/marshmallows and brown sugar.

7 . Favorite holiday memory as a child? All of the Christmases I had my Mom. I hate that I took them for granted.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't have a clue.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Colored lights, colored glass ornaments

11. Snow. Love it or dread it? Love it, but I have to go to the mountains to see it.

12. Can you ice skate? No

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Something special my Mom gave me the Christmas before she died.

14. What is the most important thing about the holidays for you? Making memories, whether I'm with my real family or my pseudo family.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? My Aunt's pumpkin roll

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Watching A Christmas Story w/Frank. Every year it's like it's the first time he's ever seen it and I love to watch him.

17. What tops your Christmas tree? A glass star

18. Which do you prefer - giving or receiving? Giving...I get so much joy from picking the perfect gift for my family and friends.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night

20. Candy Canes. Yum or Yuck? Yum

21. What do you want for Christmas? A pink pearl solitaire necklace. <--Got it!

22. Do you attend an annual Christmas party? Not an annual party

23. Do you dress up for Christmas Eve or wear PJ’s? PJ's, dress up for Christmas day, though

24. Do you own a Santa hat? No

25. Who do you normally spend Christmas with? When in Oklahoma, my family. When in California, Frank's family.

Silver Bells....

2008-12-11T23:22:00.000-08:00

I LOVE Christmas time, but I really really miss my family.

Solitude...

2008-12-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

The silence holds me.

The serenity of the moments captures my soul

and re-invents my heart.

The solitude is my friend,

keeping even my darkest secrets secret.

I'm completely engulfed in the tranquility

and overwhelmed with the calmness of where I am.

In times like these, He speaks to me.

He tells me His plans and desires for my life.

I sit in peace and listen to the sincerity of His love.

With a determined mind and an eager heart

my soul freely gives in

and lets Him have His way.

Teach Them To Fish...

2008-11-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

"Give them a fish, they eat for a day. Teach them to fish, they eat for a lifetime." -Chinese Proverb

The very people in our country who need to be taught how to "fish" in order to make their family's lives better are simply going to be thrown a fish. How does this help the family down on their luck, who works hard normally, but is facing a challenging time? All this administration will be doing is reinforcing that hard work and sacrifice isn't necessary because "Papa Obama" is going to take care of you. He's going to take hard earned money from those people who have worked hard and made their sacrifices and he's going to give it to those people who haven't adopted this work ethic.

I realize there are circumstances that are beyond some people's control. I also realize that children are often raise in situations that reinforce working for what you want. BUT, I believe in breaking the cycle. If all I have to do is wait for my government to give me what I need, then what on earth could possibly motivate me to do anything better for myself or my family?

I would like to believe that all of this talk about socialism , even though no one is calling it socialism, is hype and promises "Papa Obama" couldn't possibly keep. Unfortunately, my fear is that we are facing a whole new way of life and this "Hope and Change" really isn't what our country needs right now.

Finding my way...

2008-10-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not a selfish person. Most people who know me at all know this about me. I'm generous to a fault and even at the expense of my own wellbeing sometimes. I care about people. I want people's lives to be good and comfortable and fullfilling. Unfortunately, this tends to cause me to neglect my own comfort and fullfillment. I'm twenty-eight years old, will be twenty-nine in December and I still don't think I've completely defined the person I am.

I believe in God and His goodness, but I've been angry with God to the point where I've given up many of the blessings I would normally have experienced if I had just let my anger go. I've let insensitive and hypocritical people define believers for me and turn me away from the one place I've always been happiest. I came to California to be a part of something big intended to glorify God and minister to the people. Unfortunately, I found that that something was disappointing and full of insincere people.

Here's where I stand today: I'm lost and trying to find my way.

Warning...

2008-09-30T22:12:00.001-07:00

I have an extremely low tolerance for inconsiderate people.

Just putting it out there.

I really should....

2008-09-28T23:44:00.001-07:00

Spend more time with my family.
Be more willing to let people into my life.
Use my time a little more wisely.
Let him be himself.

Working on it....

Experienced Earthquake Survivor

2008-07-29T23:27:00.000-07:00

So, I experienced my very first California earthquake this morning. It was interesting. I, of course, had no idea what was going on and had to ask my friend Melissa what was happening. She just laughed at me and said "An earthquake, Amanda." Yeah, well...what can I say? There's a first time for everything. Honestly, it was much less dramatic than one would think an earthquake would be, but it happened none the less. A 5.4. This has taken over the local news, which really isn't unusual here in Cali....when a rain drop falls, news crews get sent to every location imaginable to report on the "storms." If they only knew what a real storm was all about. Tornadoes, anyone?

Five Things....

2008-07-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

Five things you may or may not know about me:

1) I am addicted to shoes. I buy them all the time, multiple pairs at a time. I even have many (maybe 10-15 pair) that I’ve never even worn. I am running out of closet space and am in dire need of a major re-organizing.

2) I am also addicted to office supplies. Pen, pencils, erasers, paper, ink, markers, highlighters, staplers, etc. You name it and I most likely have at least five that I have probably never used. But I assure you they are neatly organized on my desk should there come at time I might actually decide to reach for them.

3) I have serious road rage. I say very mean and inappropriate things that I would never say to another human being when I am behind the wheel of my car.

4) I am terrified of the dark. Mostly being outside at dark, all dark really. I have an overwhelming fear that someone will attack or hurt me in some way. I carry pepper spray at all times and have a “plan” on how to fight back.

5) I have a huge crush on Gordon Ramsey, the British chef from Hell’s Kitchen. I can’t explain it in a way that would make it sound sane, so I won’t try. Just know that I think he is utterly amazing.

Care to share?

My Heart Breaks for Him

2008-07-13T15:09:00.001-07:00

My dear dear childhood friend lost his father rather unexpectedly on Sunday morning. It's another reminder that life is so so short and we should cherish every minute we have with the one's we love. I know exactly what he's feeling at this very moment and all I wish to do is wrap my arms around him and help him find peace. You're in my mind and heart LJ, I love you.

To My Mom on Her Birthday...

2008-07-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

I miss you more today than yesterday.

A Hero Comes Home

2008-07-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

My brother will be home from Afghanistan next Friday. I'm so proud of him and happy he's coming home safe. While I'm thankful my family gets to have our soldier come home, I grieve for the families who have lost theirs. I can only hope their losses won't be in vain.

Sempre Fi

Kids are our future....

2008-06-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have a new idea and it's one that I can't seem to get out of my head. I graduate in June of 09 and had planned on going directly to graduate school. Now, I am considering teaching. I don't think that I've ever really been interested in being a teacher, but the more thought I put into it, the more excited I get. What better way to leave a mark on this world than by teaching young adults tolerance and respect as they embark on their lives as adults? So, I'm in the process of doing all the research I can on this particular path. I will still go to graduate school, but why not teach in the interim?

For Frank...

2008-06-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

When I was young and thought about the man I would
one day love, this was not what I pictured. He came into
my life when I least expected it and each day has been an
adventure since. He's the funniest man I know and the
brightest part of my days. He's smart, generous, so full of
integrity, honest and humble. The best part is, he loves
me in spite of my flaws and weaknesses. I couldn't ask for
anything more.

Reflections on Father's Day

2008-06-15T14:32:00.001-07:00

It's more about what he isn't than what he ever was to me.

But in his place are two great men.

I couldn't ask for better than them.

Thank you for your love and support.

I love you both.

Deep Breaths...

2008-06-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

So much going on this week and next.

Feeling quite overwhelmed.

Exhausted and spent every hour of every day.

Then Summer quarter starts.

June 2009 cannot come soon enough.

Is It Just Me?

2008-05-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

I pay good money to go to school where I do. It's a great school and I'm getting a quality education. BUT, I have never wanted to beat as many people as I do when I'm in class. I can't figure out if it's just the fact that they are young and inconsiderate or if they really just don't have a clue how their behavior affects others.

Now, I'm cranky today. I'll admit that. I have no problem saying that I very well could be hypersensitive today simply because of my mood. After having to drag myself out of bed after two hours of sleep in order to make my morning class, I sat for almost two hours and listened to three freshmen (two guys and a girl, go figure) sit and talk through the entire class. Now, if you have to whisper, that's fine. But talking full volume during an entire lecture, not cool. I was so distracted and wanted so badly to walk across the aisle and tell them to shut the @$%# up.

Class ends. I have a little break to gather my wits before my next class. Now, this class is a pretty important class. It's a senior class, so you know that most people are going to have some manners, right? Nope. While sitting and listening to research presenations, given by other students, two super inconsiderate girls sat and smacked and popped their gum. Okay, forget that I'm annoyed by you and keep giving you the look of death, but what about the people who worked so hard on their research. How unbelievably rude are you?

I'm tired, I'm pissy, I'm fed up. I want to pull all of my frickin' hair out...after I smack the girls.

I think I need a break.

An Unfortunate Fate

2008-05-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

Whether you agree with the man's politics or not, you still have to admit that Ted Kennedy is an icon. Serving as a US Senator for more than 40 years, he's achieved some great victories in the areas of education, health care and social welfare.

I found myself tearing up today when they announced his diagnosis. What makes it worse? All of the media outlets talking about him as if he's already died. Rather than let this man and his family do what they need to do right now, the media is focused on just how much time he has left to serve in the Senate as well as how much time he has to live. Ridiculous.

My prayers and well wishes go out to Senator Kennedy and his family during this time. I pray that people can give them the space and privacy they may need right now. Lord knows, if and when he passes away from this diagnosis, they'll have plenty of time to eulogize him.

Nosy Nosy Nosy

2008-05-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

Something has been on mind this week as a result of a conversation with my Korean teacher, who I've known all of two weeks.

This is my rant.

I have to say, it never ceases to amaze me that people, whether they really know me or not, seem to think they know what's best for me. It never fails that when a person finds out Frank and I have been together for nearly five years and haven't married yet, they make sure to let me know that I'm out of my mind.

There's the "Well, don't you want to get married and have kids?" The " You're a whole lot braver than I am."<~~~~ I'm not really even sure what this means. But my absolute favorite is "If you keep dating him without MAKING him marry you, he never will." Seriously??!!!

Not a single person in my life knows without a doubt the discussions, agreements and decisions Frank and I have made about our relationship, just like I wouldn't know the ins and outs of your relationships.

People don't seem to understand that not every woman wants to marry before they turn 20 and have 5 kids before they're 30. I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with a person deciding this is the life they want to lead and would never put a person in a position to have to defend their choice, so why should I have to defend mine.

I have a great idea...those people out there who seem intent to impart their wisdom on me regarding MY relationship, take a good hard look at your own first. I can guarantee that if you reflected on your own relationship and not on mine you would be much more content and you might even find that your relationship needs a little bit more attention than mine.

I think I made my point.

~A

To Mom on Mother's Day

2008-05-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

I feel your presence in my life everyday.
There is nothing I face that you are not a part of.
You are my hero, my angel, my truest love.

Passion

2008-05-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

She fuels my passion.

There's something so simple and pure about it.

But it's complex too.

I can't explain it, but I love it.

Oh Myanmar

2008-05-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

My heart is breaking for you now.

Please let us help.

And it begins...

2008-05-08T01:05:00.001-07:00

Well, here we go. I've decided that it's time that I enter the world of blogging. I must admit, I am an amateur at best, but I do enjoy writing and sometimes I actually have insightful things to say. Maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't, but at the very least I will have put my thoughts out there in the hopes that someone somewhere can benefit from them....or laugh at how funny I seem to think I am.

I intend to use this space as a sounding board for ideas, thoughts and goals that take shape in my life. I'm ever the student, always trying to take lessons away from everything I do and this is no exception. As I become more confident in who I am as a person and what my dreams and passions are, I feel the need to put them out there. Afterall, the more you speak it the more real it becomes.

Someday when I'm sitting in therapy with a patient and they're looking to me for guidance and assurance, hopefully I can draw from something insightful I've learned, not necessarily from books, but from some other person's words or ideas.

I am the blank page, write your words on me. Please.