Reluctance

There are days when I still experience the loss of my Mom as though she died yesterday. There are days I wonder whether I did all I could have to help her find relief from her pain while she was here. I sometimes get stuck on the things that may have been disappointing to her rather than the things she was proud of. This is magnified when someone I love experiences a loss of their own. Unfortunately, within the last year several people I love have lost their own loved ones. I know there's nothing I can say that will matter. I know this because I was in their shoes. I don't even know what to say to myself to make me feel better, but one thing that brings me peace and comfort is poetry. This is one of my favorite.

Reluctance

Out through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch-hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question 'Whither?'

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?

~Robert Frost

First Quarter Blues

So, my first quarter of graduate school is over. I've learned a lot of theory and techniques all while getting to know my fellow future therapists. All of this is good.

However, I did not expect the emotional toll this quarter would take on me. Apparently, the MAP program is intended to make it's participants learn how to work their issues and figure out just who they are. It requires a lot of self reflection, which is really pretty scary and overwhelming.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last ten weeks. Most of these things are private and won't be shared with anyone, but there is one thing that I would like to share. I can do this. I'm not in over my head. I am actually quite capable and competent. This is a huge thing for me considering I've always struggled with feeling like I would be good at something. I am so thankful for this insight into myself.

I'm excited to see what the rest of the journey has for me.

~A

Thanksgiving

I'm just so thankful.

For life. For memories. For hopes. For dreams.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hello, I'm Amanda.

My name is Amanda. It’s not Amber or Amy or any other variety of names starting with A-m. When someone introduces themselves to me I make every effort to remember their name. It might require me repeating their name over and over to myself until I have it down. It may require me associating them with someone I know with the same name. Regardless of the method I use to remember, I remember.

I find it incredibly discouraging when I’ve told someone my name several times and they still can’t be bothered to remember it. After being called Amber or Amy and then going through the uncomfortable process of saying “I’m sorry, but my name is Amanda” it makes the whole thing even more uncomfortable when the person responds “Oh, yeah, that’s what I meant.” Well, if that’s indeed what you meant, why didn’t you say it correctly? This response only makes the situation even more uncomfortable. This has happened to me three times this week, once with a student from one of my classes and twice with two separate professors who teach two of my classes.

I think remembering someone’s name is the least you can do to show your interest in them. When someone calls me something other than my name or doesn’t even know what to call me, it definitely makes me feel as though I’m not important as a person. In all honestly, this very well maybe something in me that I need to work on and learn not to take so personally. I can see that. But, I assure you that I will continue to make every effort to remember people’s names in keeping with treating them like the special and unique person they are.

I Can't Take Away Your Pain

I know the pain of loss.
I know what it's like to wake up everyday and long for someone you love.
I know what it's like to wonder if you said and did everything you needed to say and do for that person.
I know what it's like to be surrounded by well-wishers and then abandoned when they've moved on and you haven't.
I know what it feels like to want to hide in a dark room and never come out because you can't bear the thought of living without the person you love.
I know what it's like to wish it were you instead.
I know what it's like to think that the pain will never go away.
I know what it's like to hurt every time you're reminded of the person you love.

I know you hurt. I know you feel it will never get better. I was there.

I would give my life to take away your pain, but I can't.

I love you, J.

~A

Born To Worry

All things work together for His good, right??

Well, someone needs to tell my brain that. And maybe my heart too.

~A

Unexpected Emotions

Another class, another emotion.

Tonight was kind of ugly and uncomfortable. The topic was race and there was a lot of emphasis on white privilege and the lack of acknowledgment on the part of "my people." I've been in many a class where race was discussed and I assure you it never gets any easier. I was uncomfortable, anxious and highly emotional.

But, here's a thought to ponder: "Any person who triggers you has the potential to teach you something." The more I think about this the more I realize it's true. What a valuable lesson I can take into a therapy room and use to remind myself that people are people, despite the vile, disgusting and sometimes ugly things they do. (This comes from the idea that some people may find it challenging or repulsive to treat an individual who has committed crimes against children.) Each person I encounter has the potential to not only leave with me a part of themselves, but also to help me learn something new about myself.